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Is She the One? - Premarriage Counseling AdviceNeed
Understanding the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship as it stands today can help you assess the conflicts you may face in the future. This premarriage counseling tip is to look at three different aspects of your relationship: every day stuff, friendship and sexuality. Differences within each area are normal unless the difference creates a great amount of conflict in your life. If that is the case, you need to dig deeper into premarriage counseling to resolve the conflict before you make the decision to marry. Also, when you look at these areas, think about the strengths/weaknesses in your relationship compared to past relationships in your life. If friendship has always been a frontrunner in past relationships but is weak in your current relationship, this can be a warning sign that something important to you is missing. Every Day Stuff We spend a lot of time on the every day things, like what to have for dinner, paying bills, doing laundry and keeping the house clean, where to spend our vacation, how to spend our extra money, etc. Some couples argue endlessly about things that seem so trivial. You think they should have spent some time with a premarriage counseling professional before getting married. Maybe they have had plenty of arguments on choosing a movie to watch together on Friday night. She likes drama, he likes action flicks and by the time the credits start rolling, their tempers have done somersaults. Then other couples seem completely compatible in the practical sense of their marriage. They just don’t have arguments about the small stuff. They seem to function like a well-oiled machine. To evaluate your compatibility in this area, ask yourself a few questions. Are you in agreement on how you spend your money, tolerate debt, and plans for saving for the future? Are you in agreement on how clean you keep your house and sharing of the chores? Do you have similar sleeping habits, or is she rolling out of bed for breakfast after you just finished lunch? Do you eat similar foods? Maybe she is a vegetarian, where you hang out at steak houses. This can create conflict on whose eating habits are better. Are you similar in smoking habits? If one of you smokes and the other doesn’t, it can create conflict if the nonsmoker tries to change the smokers’ habit. Are you similar in how you spend your free time? Maybe you like to be on the move constantly doing exciting new things, and she likes quiet time at home. During the romantic stage, this isn’t a problem because a couple is having fun and feeling close doing almost anything. But later in the relationship, each of you may gravitate towards what you enjoy the most which can create tension between you. You start to think of her as boring, and she thinks of you as someone whose to insecure with himself to be alone. In summary, if you and your partner are not strong in this area, it may be a problem if you seem to fight endlessly and need help in coming up with compromises to work through these issues. In this case, seek out a premarriage counseling professional before getting married. Friendship When you think about the true friends in your life, is she the one you think of first? Friendship involves empathizing with each other’s experiences and the ability to talk about the heavy stuff. Even though the two of you have had different lives before you met, having a strong friendship means you can relate, respond and understand each other’s experiences. You share many of the same beliefs, values and outlooks. When you think about sharing life together, you want to live the same kind of life. Examples can include a life centered around family and children, or a life centered around the success of individual careers. What are your views on justice? Do you have similar views on what is fair and what is not fair as it relates to social and political issues? This can include things such as affirmative action, death penalty, abortion, welfare, etc. Are your religious and spiritual beliefs similar or different? What about political beliefs? Are you similar on your feelings towards family loyalty? No matter how loyal you are to your family, that loyalty must now be devoted to your spouse. You and your partner have to agree on what commitments you will make to your families. Different commitments could include allowing a family member to live with you for a period of time, the amount of time you spend with your family versus couple time, raising children according to individual family tradition, etc. Sometimes in divorce you hear, “She isn’t the same woman I married”, or “We just grew apart”. Individuals may change in their outlook on life, but their character is still the same. Maybe a couple who are both very ambitious when they married have a common work ethic value. But then over time, maybe the wife values family and children as the most important aspect of her life, and her husband’s primary focus is still work. This may create conflict because this couple’s outlook on life has changed. Different outlooks on life are okay as long as they are balanced. If the husband takes a job where he will be traveling 50% of the time, and he doesn’t understand his wife’s objections, he is not balanced in his primary focus. Take a premarriage counseling tip and evaluate how similar and balanced you and your partner's focus on life is with each other. Sexuality This involves how sexually attracted you are to your partner and your partner to you. In this area, both of you are interested or preoccupied with sex to the same extent. Also, you are compatible in your preferences in the activities you choose to engage in together. How well matched are you in the frequency of sex? One partner may have a high sex drive compared with someone with a very low sex drive. This mismatch can be overlooked at the beginning of a relationship, when the sex is exciting new and frequent. Are you ready for monogamy? Does it bother you having to give up the chance to have sex with other potential partners? If you have slight twinges of uneasiness about having one sexual partner, that’s okay. But if you can’t even imagine having sex with only one partner for the rest of your life, take this premarriage counseling tip and just don’t get married! Premarriage COunseling Tip on What to Ask or Do Before Getting Married Don’t be afraid to face the tough questions and resolve conflict before walking down the aisle. It’s a great idea to attend premarriage counseling classes even before you get engaged. If there are certain differences that you don’t know if you can live with, seek professional help through premarriage counseling. It can help you make the right decision in whether to marry or move on. Don’t let family members influence your decision. Enough said. With premarriage counseling, the subject of children is sure to be discussed. Even though it may not be important at the time, you need to talk about your plans on whether or not to have children in the future. If you get married young and decide to worry about whether to have children later in the marriage, it will be disastrous if you cannot agree. If both of you are unsure about having children, you need to have an understanding before getting married that if one of you should want children, the other one will agree to it. You should not enter marriage with one person adamant about not having children, and the other wanting children, both hoping to change the other one’s mind. It is also a good idea to decide on a timeframe to have children, maybe 2 years, 5 years, etc. It needs to be agreed upon so that one partner can’t put it off indefinitely. Premarriage Counseling Tip on Warning Signs Get more in-depth premarriage counseling if any of the following warning signs are creating conflict in your relationship. She has being sexually unfaithful to you or to a previous partner. She habitually lies, or lies to you about something important. This prevents you from free choice in your decision making and is a controlling aspect of a relationship that is unhealthy. She uses excessive alcohol, abuses prescription drugs or uses illegal drugs. Having an inability to control one’s own life will create undue burdens on you. She doesn’t get along with opposite sex parent. It is a healthy sign if she has a strong bond with her father. She makes fun of you or criticizes you. Respecting each other is a very important part of keeping communication and happiness strong in a relationship If you have any doubts, hesitations, misgivings, take those feelings seriously. Listen to yourself. If you decide to end the relationship, take some breaking up advice to help you get through it. Breaking Up Tips |