Anger Management Tip to Fair Fighting

Do you need an anger management tip to fighting fairly? You may be bigger than her and stronger than her. You may beat her in tennis and racquetball, but try beating her in an argument, and you don’t stand a chance. As Muhammed Ali said, "My toughest fight was with my first wife". But seriously though, if working out your differences is becoming a problem in your relationship, don’t get discouraged. Don’t just walk away from the problem. Instead, educate yourself in fair fighting techniques and give your relationship a fighting chance.

You Realize You’re Angry, What Do You Do? - anger management tip #1

If you are angry, take a deep breath and think before unloading your anger on her. You first anger management tip is to decide if this specific incident is worth fighting about by asking yourself some questions. What has specifically made you angry? Are you overreacting? What behavior in her are you looking to change? Do you understand her actions in this situation? Think about how you will approach her and what specifically you will say to her. When you are thinking about your first words to her, put yourself in her shoes. Will she be on the defensive when she hears those words, or will she be receptive to resolving the conflict?

Timing - anger management tip #2

Deciding the appropriate time to discuss an incident is a very important anger management tip. For example, imagine you come home from work, open the mail, and see that she was overspending again after you just agreed to stick to a budget. If your wife’s not home, don’t call her at work in a rage. Just the fact that she is not home yet to discuss it may be a positive thing. It gives you a chance to calm down, so that you can discuss it with her constructively. When she arrives home, identify your concerns to her. Either discuss the issue at that point or schedule sufficient time to talk through the issue (e.g. after the kids go to bed).

Agree to Fair Fighting Ground Rules - anger management tip #3

If you have problems resolving conflict, discuss fair fighting techniques that you both agree to follow. Hold practice sessions with topics that are not highly emotional to either of you.

• Take turns speaking. You should each be allowed to make your point in a minute or two. When she is speaking, ask her questions to gain clarification. Then summarize in your own words your understanding of what she is trying to communicate to you. Then it's your turn.

• Use “I” language to express your feelings instead of “you” language.

Example: Wrong: “You always are nit picking at me for not helping around the house. Stop being a nag and we won’t have a problem.”

Right: “I feel I make many efforts to help you around the house. I tried helping you with dinner last night, but I didn’t think you noticed or appreciated it. It’s really no excuse. But maybe that’s why I didn’t make any extra efforts today.”

• No name calling, no threatening to leave, no cursing, no raising voice. If she is doing any of these things, use I language “I feel that you are projecting anger to me by the tone of your voice”. If that doesn’t work, take a one minute time out.

• Stick to the topic, don’t bring other situations into the conversation that aren’t relevant.

• Don’t discount her feelings (jealousy, anger, despair). These are her feelings and if you discount them, she will resent you for it.

• Your goal here is to offer compromise. If you can negotiate a solution that you can both be happy about, you are both winners. If only you win the argument, or only she wins the argument, then no one wins.

• Put the incident behind you and forgive each other.

Silence is a Relationship Killer - anger management tip #4

Just remember, you just need to master the anger management technique to fighting fairly. Anger managed in inappropriate ways can chip away at the foundation of your relationship. Never give each other the silent treatment as a punishment to hurt each other. If you are both not speaking to each other, make the first move. This isn’t a competition to see who can last longer. If you make the first move, I guarantee that even though she never will admit it to you, inside she will feel that you are a better and more evolved human being than she is. Consider seeking a marriage counselor if the silent treatment is a prevalent method for prolonging anger in your relationship.